An Open Relationship vs. Polyamorous Dating
An open relationship is an intimate relationship which is consensually non- monogamous. Open relationships include any type of romantic relationship ( dating, marriage, etc.) that is open. The concept of an open relationship has been . Not that you can't be perfectly open in monogamous relationships, but I plans to meet up with someone else she'd been talking to online. Not everyone is made to be polyamorous and not everyone is happy in an open relationship. If you only love one person and you're only dating.
Participants of an open relationship may, for example, give each other permission to bring home another person, or spend time with other people, often sexually focused, without necessarily developing a committed ongoing relationship. On the other hand, don't look to the dating site giant, Match. The Poly Profile on the Dating Site? Back then, to reader Brian's question of how to represent oneself honestly as poly or open on the dating site of your choice.
Regardless of whether you are looking for a traditional match or a more specific or unique niche, The Dating Gurus recommends using at least 2 dating sites, to maximize your exposure.
Keep it matter-of-fact and low key. Be upfront about who you are and what you are looking for without apologizing and without too many specifics. Like any dating profile, you want to share enough information about yourself to pique their interest enough to make them want to learn more about you.
Don't be vague about being poly or seeking an open relationship, which will only backfire later and lead to resentment and accusations about false intentions.
As they say - it's complicated! It nearly always is once you've been around for a few decades unless you've either been ridiculously lucky or haven't done a whole lot of crazy with your life. Polyamorous lover of life working to build my forever tribe. Mom to two teenage boys.
Open relationship online dating - Darmowy Portal Randkowy Wzajemne Relacje
Work in health care serving folks experiencing homelessness. Love to laugh, kiss, giggle, and learn. Poly to me means loving more than one. Not swinging but rather practicing ethical non-monogamy. Honest open communication is super important to me. This is a relationship that people have some pretty strong opinions about.
Would he try to change your custody agreement if he found out you were in this relationship? On the balance, were you sitting at my kitchen table, I'd advice against. But only you know what is right for you. This will not be your only offer. If you want a poly man, there are 30 others who don't live next door and know your kids.
My best advice to you is to diversify. Tell yourself you'll go on 25 dates this year with different men. Coffee, dinner, bowling, dancing, book lectures, what have you. And not just people you meet online. It's been a long time since you've had to evaluate potential partners, so take your time and just use this as a way to branch out. Follow the instinct that screamed danger and caused you to ask the internet this message.
Some of us are pretty good at casual, and some of us are just not. Even if, back before your LTR, you had a sense of where on the continuum you were, it's been 15 years and you're a different person, and so this may have changed about you, too.
Proceed thoughtfully with whatever relationships you engage in; there's no rush, and remember that you always get to change your mind. Keep at it and you will find someone who feels the same way about you who doesn't have all the baggage and connections to your kids.
An Open Relationship vs. Polyamorous Dating
You said you don't want a serious relationship and you don't want to hook up. So far so good. You are a grown up and realize that relationships involve vulnerability and risk and will not always lead to Happily Ever After--not even monogamous ones, not even marriage, sadly enough. In that case, you could do far, FAR worse than having a warm, friendly, and sometimes lusty relationship of unknown duration with a couple of friends down the street, who totally get what it's like to be parents, who are integrated into your social world so you can get a sense of what they're like as people from the rest of the people around you.
Remember that this guy also took a risk reaching out to you this way. What are your other dating options via OKC? Probably some random stranger, who you would also be inviting by extension into your kids' lives, with its own set of relationship-outcome variables and far less social capital that you can call on to evaluate: As if ostensibly-monogamous relationships don't also come with a zillion different pitfalls, nightmares, dramas, heartbreaks, too.
This has its own unique terrain but if there is some intereste there it's at least worth taking a shot. You can't win if you don't play, monogamous or polyamorous! This might not be the situation for you but I say, what have you got to lose for going out for coffee a few times?
If you decide it's not the way you want to go, be kind and adult about saying so, and grateful that these folks opened themselves and their vulnerable inner lives to you in this way.What If He's Asking For An Open Relationship?
Worse come to worse you could end up with a better set of friends. Do you want sex? It's not like being asked out in person, where you have to reject someone verbally to their face. I'm not so much telling you not to do this as gauging from your question that it seems like you don't know that this answer is on the table.
If you want to date, don't want to be with someone who is married regardless of "arrangement"don't want to date someone in your social circle, don't want do date someone whose spouse you know, etc.
There are plenty of other people out there who are not married and not someone it would be highly awkward for you to fool around with. This is not your only option for a romantic life. If you say yes to this situation, you need to be looking for reasons you want to do this, not reasons you shouldn't say no. Also, you do realize that "we should hang out and get to know each other better", in the context of an arrangement for casual sex, does not actually mean he wants to have long talks and get to know you as a person, right?
It just means "see if we have chemistry and the sex is good". Almost every time I've been propositioned to be the third in a threesome with a couple, the expression "get to know each other better" has been used in the initial message. As others have stated upthread, the power imbalance is too great. And as nice as it is to think people are kind, honest, and honorable, you really don't know until the panties drop what kind of guy this one is; and more so, what his vetting process is for the other women he is courting on OKC OP, you do understand that you'll probably be jockeying for position with other women?
Even if this guy, and his wife, are stellar human beings, the OP has little to no control over the other women the guy may introduce into the equation.
I hear you that you're pretty much processed the dissolution of your marriage, but this is a big, big step still, and you can't know what kind of "whoa, this just underscores that that relationship is over" emotions are going to come up. And those emotions can make you do funky things. In a sense, some kind of no-strings-attached casual fun and frolic is what you need now - but what's giving me pause is the fact that you know this guy.
So there is just that much more potential for news to spread and things to get mega-weird if you suddenly burst out crying in the middle of having sex with this guy in the living room and he's gotta stop and comfort you and suddenly one of the kids comes in and sees Dad and Mrs.
Smith in the living room and they're both naked and daddy, what the hell is going on? I'm not saying that you will have a flashback of missing your husband - I'm just saying that you can't know for certain that you won't, because you are just now getting back into dating after a fifteen-year relationship with the same man. The first time I had sex after my last breakup, I thought I could handle it because it'd been six months - but suddenly in the middle of things I realized I was doing, er, certain specific things in the exact manner my ex preferred me to do them, and I burst out crying.
You can't know what can hit you that first time. And until you are more certain that you won't, getting involved on any level with someone you actually know and your kids know is probably not the best idea. Take a rain check on this, and get a few more guys under your belt. Then, if you still definitely want to pursue this, then proceed with extreme caution. But if you were previously apprehensive about dating someone who could be considered even loosely "in your circle", this is probably not a good relationship to pursue at this time.
Do you want a relationship, or to date people, or a FWB setup? I think you should consider what you would want to try first if this offer wasn't on the table, and then see how that compares to this offer.
If you want to try this out, you can say "I want to know your wife is okay with this" and talk to her. You can directly ask about how much due diligence she needs, he needs, how much you need, etc. You can ask how they want to handle seeing each other out and about, and decide how you want to handle it. You control your boundaries and you can ask any questions you need to. See if they dance around questions or willingly and openly discuss answers.
If they dance, you might want to avoid getting involved. The hard part, and the part that might make it difficult as a recently divorced person is that hardcore honesty and communication is what makes this type of relationship work and you have to do it.
If that doesn't happen, feelings get hurt. These are the books that can help lay the foundation for why people are into open relationships. The models for open relationships run the gamut from "Hey honey, I'm home, just gonna shag this dude while you make dinner, k? So a refusal on that score isn't an automatic 'dude is cheating' thing, though it would be worth evaluating everything else just in case.
- Should I date someone in an open marriage?
- Open relationship
- What To Know About Dating Someone Who’s Openly Non-Monogamous
Getting sexually involved with someone who is romantically involved with someone else can be a serious minefield unless you're the kind of person who's really good at separating great sex from emotions. Given that you have had no? You've never had to find out if you have the skill to separate sex from emotion with other partners, and this specific sort of situation could be disastrous if you find out you're one of the people who can't.
If you're looking for education on the sex and dating thing, it's probably best to go with someone who is unencumbered. It's not really dating if you know for a fact there is a hard limit on how involved someone can get, in my opinion.
YMMV on that score. So I'd probably suggest that you say the equivalent of "thanks but no thanks, I don't think that's a good idea because xyz," and do your dating learning with guys who aren't already committed to someone else.
There's lots of nice single guys on OKC and at your local community centre, or friends of friends who aren't looking for anything particularly serious. They'd be a better choice, I think. That scenario has train wreck written all over it. Also realize you're asking this question on what is, in my experience, one of the biggest poly communities on a mainstream Internet site. As a child who lived through the whole "my parents are banging the neighbors and parents of my friends" thing, I would vote that you don't do this in your own back yard.
I can almost guarantee you are not as discreet and sneaky as you think you are, and even if you are you can't be sure that he is. I know times are somewhat different than when I was a kid in the 70's but my mother was basically considered the neighborhood whore and believe me, other parents and kids were not shy about letting me know what they thought. To be some creepy neighbors second fourth?
You deserve more--your bruised heart deserves a comfortable home, not a taxi-dance. What's lost in edging your toes into the waters -- with your clothes on -- and seeing how you feel as things develop. To no small extent it'll be as awkward as you make it in your mind.
There are many many other fish in the sea. If you had been in several other relationships or dating situations prior, and knew you were absolutely OK with this,maaaaybe, but still not the greatest idea. DTMFA, and find yourself an uncomplicated, no drama, plain-vanilla guy to get your feet wet with. All the other times I found a way to rationalize it but I knew deep down that I should walk away. You're not looking for a relationship but your gut is telling you no.
I think that's all you need to know. The rest is your lizard brain trying to rationalize getting laid. The flipside to this is that the OP's personal circumstances probably require a greater degree of subjective control and on-the-fly wiggle room in any new relationship, as opposed to extended negotiations conducted around the kitchen table. It's a different model of control, but it's an equally valid one.
There's also a non-zero risk that as part of the "education" process, the OP tangles up secondary with submissive status, when they're part of two different power dynamics. I'm not saying this to be mean, but your situation--recently divorced, knows you through kids, lives in the neighborhood--makes you a wildcard who could very well be a drama bomb.
He's not showing good judgement, and I'm not sure you're in a place to be the person setting the hard boundaries here, either. I wouldn't do it. You will be slut-shamed, wives will worry that you'll be trying to sleep with their husbands next, and your kids will get bullied.
Not worth it, not even for the most eligible bachelor in the universe which BTW, this father is not. Nthing find someone who doesn't live in your neighborhood. What do you tell your other friends? That you're still not dating, or that you have a Mystery Date? If you have a sitter for your kids when you're out, what instructions do you leave about where you're going?
That's even before considering your ex here.
Gossip follows the scent of mystery. The social burden of starting to date again is considerable enough without adding all that. We don't know enough about him and his relationship with his wife to know whether it will be a drama-filled mire for you or not.
A lot of poly people I know are good communicators and generally low-drama people to date. A few things to think about. What happens if you get jealous? What happens if she gets jealous? Is it okay to talk about these things? Is he conscientious enough to care about your feelings even though you are not the primary partner?
It's going to be much easier for you if the neighbors don't know. Seeing each other once every few weeks? Does he come over to your place since you are otherwise single? Do you go out and then make out in the back seat like teenagers? If you decide to move forward, take it very slow and see how you feel at each stage.
Be honest with your feelings and see how he responds to that honesty. In my experience, worthwhile people are willing to talk you through your insecurities and put you at ease. This couple are known to the OP, who didn't know from them, or through the gossips, that they were in an open relationship. Score one for going ahead, they are apparently discreet, and can handle the downs without it going public.
So talk about it, both the relationship issues and the practicalities - HOW have they made it work? Score two for going ahead, you are risking nothing in talking. At the same time, open your ears to anything the gossips are saying, and see if you are missing any stories floating around.
They are risking as much, more perhaps, as you. There is an implication that they know enough about you to believe you as a person, not just a situation may be open, and 'suitable' to participate in their open relationship. Put this up front - why me? If the answer goes beyond the crudities however phrasedyou have something to work with and consider, and then score three for going on considering. Yes there are complications, risks, but hey, that is the dating life. As a father of now grown up children, if I was confronted with this possibility I would have been less concerned about my children finding out about my sex life, than I would have been about my ex's reaction.
In all this, this might be the deal breaker for you, and rather than the prospect of getting laid, this might be the issue that bears the most thinking about. I'm going to tell you this What if she harasses you?